These, too, shall pass

~ saw a cute kid lost in the mall while the electricity is off. he looked for his mom relentlessly, without tears in his eyes. amazing! would have bawled hard til the security guards get annoyed and run to my rescue. was a little bit bratty when i was a kid :D

~ experienced for the first time a brown-out in a mall. creeped out by a flock of stranged-uniformed women reminding the confused cashiers to lock their drawers of money.

~ merrell sandals are still iressistible. even when the amount of money spent could have bought me a round-trip ticket to mindanao.

~ was reprimanded by a senior professor on the offense of not saying "hi". should be wearing a statement shirt that says "hi prof --------".

~ another senior professor confessed that she missed her younger years. detailed her whereabouts. didn't really know how to respond.

~ overheard a widow missing her husband. how she is actually afraid of the darkness because it reminds her of emptiness. she would try hard to go home before the sun sets.

~ thinks that cremation id really practical. would really consider it for the self except that i have already filled-out a form with a consent of my parents saying that i am to donate my eyes, heart, kidneys, and bones to whoever that needs them in case i die.

~ discussed over dinner the concept of inhumane to others may not be inhumane to some. that, for the most part, everything depends on one's belief systems.

~ missed lolo. that even if praying is the last thing i'm bound to do, went to church to talk to him. felt that it is the only place where i could tell him that even though i've ceased hearing masses, that does not mean i love him less.

~ still fears death.

excerpt from childhood memories: (context: bambi's mom died because of his own disobedience. watch bambi if you have not wathed the movie yet, you're missing half of your life).

me (@ 4): why did bambi's mom die? will you die just the same?
nanay: lahat naman ng tao namamatay. eventually, when you grow up, you will understand. when you grow up, you have to learn to take care of yourself, because me and father will be gone.
me: *bawled hard*
nanay: hindi pa naman ngayon, pag malaki ka na, pag naintindihan mo na ang lahat.
me: *bawled HARDER* *screaming don't die, no, you won't die*
tatay: o ayan kasi, si bambi, di sumusunod sa magulang, ayan tuloy. sabi nang wag lumabas sa open field eh. yan kasi, kaya sabi ko sa inyo, sumunod talaga sa mga magulang.
me: *still crying*
*end*

what always happens (summer).

save from the unusual narrative, and the summer who DISCREDITED fate and THOUGHT that both santa claus and love don't make a difference,

, what always happens in movies, happened.

waited since july and have been disappointed if it weren't for tom's smiles, playlist, and drawing skills. it would have been more exciting if tom's playlist had she and him.

for those who thought the movie had a deviant ending. think again. convinced that autumn is the worst season.

no thing has beaten the corpse bride. burton, ftw. lol.

the feeling that you get, when you are up in the mountains, after basking in alcohol, you just lay there on the ground, vying for the most number of falling stars, you count them one by one, until you see no more but darkness, when the last lantern has been turned off, and the only sound that you hear is the sound of emptiness, you lay still, and just forget the world,

“Never explain; your friends don't need it, and your enemies won't believe you anyway." Anon.”

Mother dear, I can't thank you enough. Sa pagintindi sa mga desisyong di pinag-isipan, sa di pagkakaroon ng landas sa buhay, at iba pang kapalpakan.

* My mom means the world to me

this must be the way of all earth that, we peoples, are drawn to ourselves. it has even been said that the first invention.of mankind is fighting tools because ancient people's priority was to protect the self from the beasts and the wild. this must be noticeable from others and ourselves. that in an album of pictures, the ones paid attention to are those where one is in it. one is particularly diligent in commenting on the pictures that had their faces on. in a heavy rain, where three friends share an umbrella. each hand grips the handle, drawing the shade closer to the body, feeling each hand's force makes one draw the shade more to the self. it must have been instinct, it must have been human nature.

but there is an extraordinary exemption to this.

Oh, there’ll be love, love, love
Wherever you go
There’ll be love, love, love ("Five Years Time", Noah and the Whale).

when you have not seen your father cry, but he did in the funeral of grandma.

when you refuse to stay for more drink because the puppy needs to be fed.

when all you see in Kuya Jasper's camera are the pictures of Ate Rachel.

when you see no one else in the court but your brother when he plays basketball.

when you literally cry in the court everytime he makes points or when he is called for foul.

when you say you do not believe in the concept of commitment but is staying with someone.

when your mother shrugged the fact that you once again smells beer and that-which-must-not-be-mentioned.

when every singe plate number in the streets spells his name.

*title quoted from dr. aureus.

Links:

http://showbizandstyle.inquirer.net/entertainment/entertainment/view/20090422-200846/Eco-friendly-Earth-Day-jam

http://www.musiklokal.com/cgibin/news_events/news_details.php?nid=383

http://www.dimitriproductions.com/news5.html

drinking and not drinking don't make a difference. but you exchange a sober and sound sleep over a headache the following day. not because you can't live without alcohol in your system. because it's just so much fun to talk just about anything knowing that either they're not gonna remember what you said or that they cannot be reliable storytellers in the (future). you can always take the defense of "lasing ka kasi nun eh" or "wala, nakainom ka kasi, kaya distorted na pagkaintindi mo". and it so much fun to laugh with stuff that you don't normally laugh about. and having to hear the craziest laughter in your lifetime that rings in you ears for so long as that alcohol runs in your veins. 

i say, laid-backness is the appropriate philosophy for people that are aimless and apathetic like myself. people like me start the day without involving anyone or anything; will just do whatever that fits our current mood. but the laid-back philosophy and the nihilistic tendencies, i realized, have more drawbacks than i've always thought. it may have resulted to me enjoying a relax, uncomplicated life, but it had turned me into a "hardened" person. stoic, apathetic, laid-back. that for the last months, i have forgotten birthdays, or not care to remember birthdays. not celebrate my own, not celebrate christmas. so family ties, love, water bottle, justice and mosquitoes do not make a difference. they are all the same. social constructs. they do not make a difference. nothing matters. at all.

i did not realize that the "hardened" me has already inflicted so much pain to the people that are dear to me. i have severed so many relationships, foresaken a lot of commitments, evaded prospect friendships, comradeships, and love, abandoned all kinds of feelings. all of these don't mean anyway. not a single thing in this world mean a thing. to take your place in life is a cliche. we're all going to die anyway.

please, don't blame me for this. i have regretted what i have done and what i have become. i am out of words as to how these came about but these two quotes may shed light:

at first, the words, without pictures, were a mystery. but then, suddenly, they all began to march across the page. they gave up their secret meanings, spoke of other worlds, made me know that pain was part of other people's lives. after a while, i could read faster and faster and faster and faster. after a while, i no longer believed in the world in which i lived (James Alan Mcpherson)

i learned to make things not matter, to put a seal on my hopes and place them on a high shelf, out of reach. and by telling myself that there was nothing inside these hopes anyway, i avoided the wounds of deep disappointment (Amy Tan, "The Hundred Secret Senses")

as to the first quote, i shouldn't be mentioning authors here but i think it would be worth to mention orwell, nietzschie, and marx. somehow, my life has been shaped by the thoughts of the people that i read. this i think needs remedy by breaking free. to not let anyone dictate what you think but to take each idea as a pinch of salt to a dish. to not stop reading and discovering the possibilities of life and human nature. i shouldn't cage myself in one particular school of thought nor define myself into a single philosophy. i need to break free and be more liberal. and maybe, to not think too much.

as to the second quote, i have mistaken pain and disappointments as nothing but extra baggages. i am a light traveler so as much as possible, i want to evade all kinds of pain for me to fly high. but as i have said, it was a  mistake. i learned and decided to take all the risks that come my way and take advantage of all the lessons that i must learn in the the process. to be grateful on the fact that i learn things the hard way. sure, i have always been very laid-back in dealing with anything but this time around laid-backness should be coupled with understanding and reflection.

i have ceased formulating new year's resolutions for the past 8 years, but i beg words to not fail me this time.

~ my apology to the people that i hurt. i promise to go back to the basics, to rekindle old values, and restore the old me that you knew. i'm slowly harking back to the things i used to enjoy and love: ecowaste, haribon, lakbay, wall climbing, mountaineering. i'm also restoring my relationships with my grade school friends, high school friends, college friends, and other loved ones. and promises to never again turn off my phone for a week or a month nor to flake out get-togethers. i'm so sorry, life has been miserable without you guys. i am also going to build friendship along the way and to open myself to more possibilities fearless and unmindful of whatever the consequences may be.

~ if you have spotted inconsistencies here, that should be attributed to me having started the year at the wrong side of my bed. i have had a shitty first week, so please bear.

~ moo moo, i'm not a fan of beef, but i so love milk and cheese. so cow, forgive me, we had to extract milk from you. but please, i beg you too, don't fail me this time.

the trip wasn't long/longer than i expected, wished. just because it's a sunday, no traffic, no flock of passengers, even on rush hours.

i just came from the airport to shoo my cousin to mindanao. he's been here since thursday. i don't know for sure why he's here, he never told me, i never asked. but if he's just hanging around and being lazy as he told me, then high five to that. i don't think i can cope if he ever acts all tourist-y.

yesterday was his birthday. i didn't have anything, not a gift, not a card. i thought about it on my way to plant for a dinner with mags and mike, but then i totally forgot, and i remembered it too late when i was already home. the truth is i don't celebrate birthdays, and he didn't even remember it was his birthday. we just drank at a friend's friend's house at ayala heights. we could have stayed longer but that was really fun. the place is insanely pristine, just beautiful.

i love the fact that i don't have to plan for anything as my mom urges me to do. not clean my room, or provide bedsheets, or extra pillow. to go to dragonboat training fresh from the airport, with or without jetlag, with a piece of luggage. i love to not bust the umbrella and just walk in the rain. i just love taking my sweet time with someone who does the same.

like today, my mother was panicking. the flight is 11 am, and we have to claim the ticket 2 hours before the flight. at 7, i'm still asleep. he woke me up but my 5-minute request lasted for another hour. he didn't care, and even decided to take a nap himself. we ended up leaving the place late, but early enough to take the ticket. traffic is non-existent. we always bust our iteneraries, if we have any.

i love how life can be as simple as 1, 2, 3. i just love not rationalizing anything. i love reading and not knowing anything. seeing and not believing. walking and not getting somewhere.

*emancipated: i wonder how i passed that constitutional law exam when i was absent the entire august and september, half of july, and a quarter of june. too early to celebrate but a sip of liquor, rather a shot of vodka is timely enough. thanks to mims, ziggie, rina, pong, timmy, and chad.

 Text Chester @ 09279701031, Vin @ 091751789998, or Ina @ 09175361791

dahil sumusobra ka na sa kapabayaan, kailangan na nating mag usap ng masinsinan.

facts:

10 days before the race (dragonboat), may sakit ako, trankaso yata ito, pero ini-insist ni jake na baka dengue. ni research ko ang symptoms ng dengue, 2-3 days high fever, meron ako nung fever, pero di naman high, nausea/vomiting, wala rin naman, abdominal pain, meron. hindi ako pwedeng magkasakit (ng dengue). unang-una, race na sa september 6, kailangan bumawi ng up dragonboat. pangalawa, isa't kalahating buwan na lamang, matatapos na ang sem, kailangan ko ng alamin kung kaya ko pa ba 'to o sumuko na sa pinakamadaling panahon. ang totoo, wala sa bokabularyo ko ang pagsuko, ang ibig kong sabihin, kailangan ko ng alamin kung nararapat ba talaga ako sa law school, kasi kung hindi, aalis na ako ng maaga-aga. kaya nag apply ako sa ateneo human's rights center para naman magkaroon ako ng dagdag na dahilan para mag-aral o at least pumuntang paaralan. nung nakaraang week pala, three consecutive days akong absent, ang rason ko, i just don't feel like going to class, sabi ko sa inyo, eh, simple lang talaga ang buhay, di kailangan i rationalize lahat. pangatlo, nag decide ako na sagutin na ang mga tanong at mga bumabagabag sa aking isipan. wala ng escapism, yung tipong, the-only-philosophy-that-works-is-i-don't-care. umpisahan na ang pag intindi sa sarili at eventually ang pag aayos ng buhay.

minor issue(s):

(1) whether or not gusto mo ang maging lawyer? , (2) whether or not masaya ka sa law school?

held/ratio:

(1) hindi ko alam. nung admissions interview ko sa ateneo, sabi ko kay Atty. Valliente: i want to be more objective in defending my advocacies, women's rights, children's rights, and environmental rights. in college, sure i knew what i fought for, but this time around, i want to have a firmer ground to stand. alam kong na convince ko sila, dahil tinaggap nila ako. akala ko noon, na convince ko na sarili ko, akala ko, enough na itong dahilan para ma convince ko ang sarili ko na tama ang landas na tinahak ko. sa tatlong buwan na nandito ako, hindi ko naramdaman na kinailangan ng law student ang advocacy niya, kailangan niya lang magbasa, mag recite, mag exam. masakit sa kin ang prescriptions, bawal ang ganito, bawal ang ganyan, dapat ganito, dapat ganyan, pero wala kang magagawa. ramdam ko na ang dahilang pinanghahawakan ko kung bakit ako nandito ay hindi importante, o kaya walang silbi. ang totoo, gusto ng mga magulang ko na maging lawyer ako. habang lutang ako noong araw ng enrollment kung mag eenroll o hindi, dala dala ang perang pang tuition, hanggang alas kwatro ang enrollment, dumating ako sa school ng 3:30, sabi sa kin ni Don, dapat daw sigurado na ako, sabi ko bahala na, sigurado na yata ako, sabi sakin ni Agatha, o saan ka nanggaling, bat ngayon ka lang, sabi ko nagmuni-muni lang, sabi sa kin ni Monette, wow i'm so glad you're here. natapos ko ang enrollment ng alas siyete, dumiretso ako sa commonwealth para sa pre-climb ng pico de loro team. sabi ng nanay ko, they've never been this happy daw, it is such a great pride to send a daughter in a law school, finally, may anak na daw silang law student. sa puntong yun, masaya din ako, masayang-masaya. at sinabi ko sa sarili ko, na gagawin to ko para sa mga taong nagtiwala at may tiwala sa kin. bago ang dispositive portion kailangan kong sagutin ang issue ng either yes or no. with all honesty, YES, para sa nanay, tatay, mga kapatid, at mga taong naniniwalang kakayanin ko ang lahat. wherefore, huwag ka nang mag absent, huwag ka ng magskip ng mga kaso, mag-aral ka na sa library dahil nakakatulog ka sa bahay, at seryosohin ang law school.

(2) hindi. sabi ng tatay ko, importante na masaya ka sa lahat ng bagay na ginagawa mo, sabi ng nanay ko, dapat enjoy lahat ng bagay, life is too short to be miserable. sabi ni magz, mamimiss ko ba daw siya pag natanggal siya for the first sem, magkikita pa kaya kami, sabi ko oo naman, mamimiss kita, saka pwede naman tayong magkita kahit wala na tayo sa law school ah. konti lang sa mga classmates ko ang nakaka-usap ko: mags, aimee, jay, cesar, ivan, mga taong karow, at kacolumn, sila lang talaga. sanay kasi ako sa UP na walang block, iba iba classmates sa bawat subject, ni hindi mo alam pangalan ng katabi mo, pagkatapos ng sem, di na kayo magkikita, at kung magkita man kayo di ko sigurado kung maalala niyo pa ang isa't isa. tatango nalang kayo, tapos pag tinanong, sino yun, sasabihin mo, ah classmate ko sa, basta classmate ko somewhere. pinipilit kong kumbinsihin ang sarili ko na dapat mag move on na dahil nandito na ako, pero ang totoo, miss na miss ko na talaga ang UP. di ko alam kung anong meron siya, yung cracked pavements na lagi kong tintrek, yung classrooms kahit walang aircon, yung mga puno, yung mga ibon, yung mga tao, lahat. lahat ng nasa UP ay nakakamiss. wherefore, life is too short to be miserable, tama ang ginawang pag aapply sa human rights center, tanggapin na nasa ateneo ka na at kasakasama mo ang mga classmates mo sa iisang room sa buong apat na taon pag umabot ka dun, isipin mo nalang na you had a share of UP experience, enough na yun, turn naman ng iba na maranasan ang lahat ng naranasan mo, ika nga, give chance to others.

~ hindi bawal ang umiyak

can't wait for midterms to end. for:

1. i shall beer/booze myself with anyone available

2. i shall finish reading naruto, brothers karamazov, and count of monte cristo

3. i shall start reading school days and ana karenina by tolstoy (plus stat con, leg prof, and consti cases)

4. i shall visit my bestfriend in the convent

5. i shall tambay in UP, jog/run, and get drunk with Haring Ibon

6. i shall wall climb @ Power UP

7. i shall "moral support" Nikki with her papers

8. i shall "balik loob" to Ecowaste Coalition and Dragonboat

I woke up at 10, I have yet to memorize the provisions in Article 7 of the Constitution. The exam is 3 pm. Half of my bed are all books, cases, more books, and more cases. It's easy to find the Codal of the 1987 Constitution, I browse through it. Open the computer at the foot of the bed, last minute note-taking and note-reading.

At 11, I talked to my cousin over YM. He's in Thailand, doing his MA in Drug Psychology or something. It was his first day, so he needed someone to talk to since he was abit early for class. He badly needed company, I mean, even cyber company will do. I chatted with him while studying.

At 12, I put on my sweater and went out to buy lunch, and brought hot chocolate to get a good jumpstarting. A hot chocolate in a papercup. On my way home, it began to drizzle, I put on my hood. Walking home, my fingers began to feel really hot out of the hot chocolate in the papercup, I transfered the cup in my left hand, and vice versa.

I'm beginning to get nervous. And so I listened to Switchfoot's "Dare you to Move" (nice comfort song for law students) and read a bit of Naruto. I sang my heart out. I sang my nervousness out. Loud and clear.

I walked to school. Smiled at the guard, "Ma'am, bawal po ang rubber slippers. Sana po next time...". I said, "SURE". I'm 3 minutes late and I have yet to look for my room assignment. Dang, I should have taken the elevator. Dang, am I becoming really unfit. That freakin stairs tire me.

I screwed the exam. Went out  with Morris and the rest of Block C (Carlo, KC, Rachel, Raffy, Pip, etc) for comfort eating at Burgoo. Their Consti1 exam was even worst than ours. I did not say anything further.

Yes, I screwed the exam. But what's wrong with screwing the exam?

I'm supposed to read Criminal Law and StatCon for tomorrow. But nah, I'm gonna listen to Jimmy Eat World and read Naruto first.

mel (8/4/2008 4:18:21 PM): pero nag eenjoy ka naman sa law?
coline (8/4/2008 4:18:40 PM): ok naman siya, natutuwa akong magbasa ng mga kaso
coline (8/4/2008 4:18:42 PM): kaso lang
coline (8/4/2008 4:18:51 PM): di ko alam kung gusto ko ba talaga siya
mel (8/4/2008 4:18:59 PM): ako rin
coline (8/4/2008 4:19:09 PM): kagabi lang parang naisip ko lang sana panaginip nalang lahat 'to
mel (8/4/2008 4:19:20 PM): masaya naman yung inaaral, sobrang taas nga lang ng anxiety level sa recit at exam
coline (8/4/2008 4:19:24 PM): tapos naiiyak pa ako lagi, pag naalala ko UP
coline (8/4/2008 4:19:26 PM): lam mo na
mel (8/4/2008 4:19:33 PM): mm oo..
mel (8/4/2008 4:19:51 PM): isipin mo na lang sure ka nang papasa ka sa bar
coline (8/4/2008 4:19:55 PM): nagbasa ako ng blog ni sir capili at iba niyang mga links, sitoy at iba pa
mel (8/4/2008 4:20:04 PM): a talaga
coline (8/4/2008 4:20:11 PM): shit, nakakamiss talaga ang UP
mel (8/4/2008 4:20:26 PM): pinuntahan namin si sir wendell sa deans office last last week kaso wala sya
coline (8/4/2008 4:20:26 PM): sabi ko talaga sana panaginip lang lahat to, pag gising ko nasa UP na ulit ako

weaponless. reason why i can never be in a battle.

aimless. life is a day-to-day basis. to change one's mind and heart is a norm.

thoughtless. as long as i am what i am today, i can never be a healthy companion.

strange and beautiful. the way you hold your pen, or write in your notebook, or flip the pages of your book, or part your hair, or smoothen your barong, or carry your bag, or sit in your chair. stay where you are; stay strange, beautiful, and far.

can you not cope by your lonesome? do you know what beers are for? or books? or music? or sleep?

i know all of them by heart.

pakshet. huwag mo akong dinadamay sa krisis mo. dahil swabe sa akin ang lahat ng bagay. nothing is going to be wrong, nothing is unmanageable. shit shit shit. i'm the person who doesn't complain, and here you are saying nothing but rants and complaints straight in my face. shit shit shit. your problems mean nothing in a world of 7 billion. shit shit shit

~ i says crappy is better than none.
"If we all reacted the same way, we'd be predictable, and there's always more than one way to view a situation. What's true for the group is also true for the individual. It's simple: Overspecialize, and you breed in weakness. It's slow death."

~ exactly.
there's no point arguing. everything is valid.
until then...

~ mm...
been thinking.
isn't there some kind of greater truth?
arguments let us define our differences and it's our differences that let us define our individuality. or something.
what's "then"?

~ probably there's this truth that we call. religion, philosophy and science have been in a long quest for its realization. but one thing is for certain, there's no such thing as the "monopoly of truth."
and yes. respect individuality by celebrating differences.emphasis on probably. because really, who knows? what do i know?

~ what one believes seems to be more important than what one knows.
i know so little about the three. i believe i know so little about the three.
and the question should be, "what do i not know (yet)?"

~ don't ask me. i have been assigned by dante in the pre-chambers of hell.

~ i know someone named dante...
i'm "then", by the way.
how about, "what does one not know yet?"?

~i fear "then" might not exist. likened to the horizon, the more you step to get to it, the farther it gets. they say that we know better only because we're standing on giants' shoulders (giants referring to aristotle, newton, etc). and we can only know so much as far as our sight can bring us.

we've witnessed how religion composed its own truth by appealing to people's desires to obtain salvation. simultaneously, philosophy crafted its own truth in reliance to reason prompting it to bash art's quest for truth as irrational and absurd for its subjectivity. much later, science came. with its promise of objectivity and accuracy. each claim to be the truth. each is in constant rivalry with each other.

so i (guess), truth, is a social construct that aims to put order in a chaotic world we have thus far. for some, its a strong enough foundation to rest their weariness. for others, a foundation is only a dire trap of foolishness.

"others" like me cannot stand for what we believe in for we (think) we believe nothing."others" like me are being punished in the pre-chambers of hell. we run in circles. and are devoured by insects for eternity.

but i should confess, learning is sweet. and for that reason alone, one finds it hard to set aside that book.

~ i say, you think too much...
like someone i know who's dear to me.
i think too little.
i saw a cloud while on the bus. it seemed close enough to throw a rock at. if one's a pro pitcher or something. just seemed notable.
you believe you believe in nothing.
have i ever mentioned coleslaw to you? it's been nibbling on my mind~

a conversation from a self-proclaimed genius friend sometime in April. bilib ako sa mga taong pinananinindigan ang mga paniniwala nila na walang kahit ano mang bahid ng alinlangan sa sarili o sa iisipin ng ibang tao. madalas sa recit sa law school, ako mismo hindi naniniwala sa sarili ko at sa kaya kong ibahagi. ako mismo hindi nanininwala sa mga pinaniniwalaan ko. blame post-modernism. there's no such thing as absolute. pero tama ang sinabi ng kaibigan ko, it can't be possible that i believe i believe in nothing. pag-iisipan ko yan. in the mean time, i'll shoo these insects first. until then.

THE CRISIS. what, every woman is for herself out here? most of my classmates had a partner, whom they called thesis partners. it was never my fault that CRS, by some random circumstance, enlisted me in an anglo- american literature thesis writing class. nobody ever thought that could be possible. and so i bid farewell to myka and to discourse as a topic. what, that was the first time in my entire life in school that i simply cried, called my parents, cried, called my sister, cried, called my adviser. "hindi ko na po talaga kaya, pwede bang next sem nalang. mag- iincomplete nalang po ako. bahala na kahit hindi ako grumaduate on time". that was the first time in my parent's history of parenthood that their couldn't-care-less-everything-will-be-taken-care-of-i-can-do-it-on-my-own daughter broke and sought their presence. i have never missed them the way i did in my crisis months. i asked a lot, to be woken up, to be called everyday, to be cooked, etc. they said, they have been yearning to see me asking for these things and they were more than glad to do them for me. i called it drama, and i apologized. they said, it was the best drama they've ever had in their lives. it makes me more human. i was apologizing because i didn't deserve the sympathy for it was all my fault. where was i when i am supposed to do my thesis? out there. enjoying the company of escapism. i am the only one who knows that was the hardest lesson i've ever learned in UP. ghad, harder than Castro's.

THE ROUGH ROAD. we we're given a semester to do our research, visit every library possible, master the research skills, gather all our materials, shape our topics, make a proposal. hurdled. the next semester was the writing process. i had ma'am tina as an adviser. early on, i already lag in my deadlines, what i'm supposed to submit in december, i submitted in february. i was taking it easy, when phooey, i only had two weeks to do my analysis when it is supposed to be done for at least two months. one has to furnish a copy first for the critic, she'll return it to you, you'll revise. you furnsih another copy for the reader, she'll return it to you, another revision. they'll decide if you are ready for the defense. you'll defend it, they'll say pass or fail and proceed to your final revisions. and then you're off for the final, bound copy. i only had a month to cram all of these. i could have done it, but i gave up too easily. i am really a freakin' chicken. as much as possible, i evade complications. and even if i still can do it, once more to the lake, i wanted to be with escapism again.

THE HAPPIEST I'VE BEEN. for another random circumstance, i got accepted at ateneo law school. the initial plan was to stay another semester in UP. something tells me that i need to graduate that summer. and so i did. i locked myself in my room for 2 months, going out just to visit the library. no more going out there, no more escapism. i was able to defend my thesis on the 15th of May (and thanks to Myka for being there, she makes me fel less nervous). i revised for another two weeks, and on the very day of my first class in ateneo, i was able to submit my final, bound copy in 200 plus pages excluding the appendices. i didn't know what makes me really happy, perhaps it was the smell of the paper and ink (i'm somehow addicted to it), perhaps it was the relief, perhaps it was the accomplisment.

THE HAPPIESTEST I'VE BEEN. perhaps it was the realization that there's nothing wrong with taking things easily for nothing is unmanageable. there's nothing wrong with laidbackness either. but sometimes, if you do things all for yourself, mindless of the people that care and trust you, it can be sad. i am happy because for the first time in my life my parents saw me weak and vulnerable. i saw myself weak and vulnerable. my friends saw me weak and vulnerable. swear, i have never felt this complete. i am happy because, by now, my family and friends know, that i need them, and i have always needed them all these years.